Hard news and new battles to fight. Ones I thought I had ‘control’ over or that I created balance somewhat for the short-term at least. The anxiety I was feeling before this news was surreal, like a painful intuitive gut feeling brewing inside of me weeks beforehand. I just couldn’t get myself to cry about something I so desperately wanted to cry about, that didn’t actually exist or hadn’t come into play; better put. I was internally, perhaps overreacting. Until it came full force and I was able to release all that was brewing inside of me.
I began ruminating about the past and I got stuck there for a little while. I felt life come to a stand still again after all the work. Blame, shame, rage, anger, abandonment, resentment and everything else in between. Each time I gave myself permission to feel. I let go of..parts of these intense emotions.
Truly I am being taken back to myself and the Duas I have made.
I read earlier today, sometimes you ask and plead to God to perhaps remove a pain, or distress. To guide you, or to protect you and suddenly you wake up and your loved ones are removed from your life, you are tested with some of the things that you never wished to be tested with, if anything you specifically asked to not be tried with these things.
This hit home. And fearfully enough; it is for one to come back and do the work, the work that you stopped working on because you thought it wouldn’t show up again, that you were done.
وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّمَا أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌ وَأَنَّ اللَّهَ عِندَهُ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌ
“And know that your possessions and your children are but a trial and that surely, with Allaah is a mighty reward.” [Surah Al-Anfaal 8: 28]
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا تُلْهِكُمْ أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَلَا أَوْلَادُكُمْ عَن ذِكْرِ اللَّهِ ۚ وَمَن يَفْعَلْ ذَٰلِكَ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْخَاسِرُونَ – 63:9
‘O you who believe, let not your properties or your children divert you from the Remembrance of Allaah. And whosoever does that, they are the losers.’ [Surah Al Munaafiqoon 63: 9]
I am awaking to the epiphany of just this.
Without going into too much, I wanted to link this article below which I intensionally sort out for, there are many variations of it but I thought this one was short and to the point. In hope this may help any Mothers out there dealing with intense emotions when it comes to their children. This may be a chance to heal and practise self regulation. It is fli….’ hard!
It is a product of your past, be easy on yourself (should take my own advice), you are human. You are not super human and this is the cycle of life. Do what you can, beleive you are enough. Leave the rest to God.
I am going to be working on just this. It is a harsh reality and it is also a very difficult time in my life and I ask for Allahs aid, because without his wisdom and his kindness towards me in answering my Duas I would not be here. It is difficult working on making the smallest of differences, when you feel like you are going round in circles. There have been so many times, I was close to giving up on everything and on life even. Truth is, there are wounds and no one to help mend them except the One who created the both of us.
Keep hope and keep coming back to HIM, everyday in all your despair and feel a weight lifted each time you commit to try over, and over again.
Also, a link to a video by a woman who has been a huge part of my healing Journey.